There are certain qualities that a person can possess that are beneficial to them in almost every imaginable way. I do not yet possess some of those qualities, so developing them has become another one of my current efforts. I can see my faults so accurately now; some, in particular, are so powerful that I find myself laughing as I deal with them.
Beginning tomorrow, my life will become more different than it has been for months...
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
The Nearly Abandoned Blog
Wow--it's been a long time. I am not the same person that was typing in here a month or two ago. I'm still surprised that I'm not homeless, but I have never lived as much as I'm living right now.
The foremost thing on my mind has been the woman I'm in love with; I can't hide or deny it. We became an official couple after an incredible four months of getting to know each other. Unfortunately, directly after we hooked up, her life took a major detour which has caused massive confusion on my part. She was perfect for me. I just want to be able to continue where we left off, but her return seems to be nowhere in sight.
On the positive side, I've been doing things that are valuable to me despite the depressing feelings and the way my thoughts about her wake me up in the middle of the night. I really can't stand computer games anymore. Games were what I indulged in when I believed that my goal in life was to be comfortable and happy. I really have learned that you get the most out of life by getting or doing the things you want to do, not by feeling good a majority of the time. For example, before, I would have fought against and rejected the feeling of having possibly lost what I had with my favorite girl ever. Now, instead of hiding from it, I just allow it to be there and I still run five miles every day and take care of business. I get an awesome body and a sharp looking, organized room/life out of it, whereas if I had caved in, I wouldn't have gained anything.
I know that many other people grew up with this knowledge, but I have never lived this way until now. It is both challenging and rewarding. I can see now how I survived my childhood by pretending that I was not in the situation I was in. I wasn't neglected and bullied by my parents; I was a hero being held captive by the enemy, resisting their attempts to break me. There was always a positive spin on things. The price for that was not having extensive experience actually processing all of the horrible thoughts and emotions. Doing this is how I reach the next level.
The foremost thing on my mind has been the woman I'm in love with; I can't hide or deny it. We became an official couple after an incredible four months of getting to know each other. Unfortunately, directly after we hooked up, her life took a major detour which has caused massive confusion on my part. She was perfect for me. I just want to be able to continue where we left off, but her return seems to be nowhere in sight.
On the positive side, I've been doing things that are valuable to me despite the depressing feelings and the way my thoughts about her wake me up in the middle of the night. I really can't stand computer games anymore. Games were what I indulged in when I believed that my goal in life was to be comfortable and happy. I really have learned that you get the most out of life by getting or doing the things you want to do, not by feeling good a majority of the time. For example, before, I would have fought against and rejected the feeling of having possibly lost what I had with my favorite girl ever. Now, instead of hiding from it, I just allow it to be there and I still run five miles every day and take care of business. I get an awesome body and a sharp looking, organized room/life out of it, whereas if I had caved in, I wouldn't have gained anything.
I know that many other people grew up with this knowledge, but I have never lived this way until now. It is both challenging and rewarding. I can see now how I survived my childhood by pretending that I was not in the situation I was in. I wasn't neglected and bullied by my parents; I was a hero being held captive by the enemy, resisting their attempts to break me. There was always a positive spin on things. The price for that was not having extensive experience actually processing all of the horrible thoughts and emotions. Doing this is how I reach the next level.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Another Funny Twist of Fate
I managed to avert disaster at the last minute, again. My life will now continue somewhat normally for another month. Also, the day after my car died, a company called me and asked to schedule a phone interview--I didn't have to drive anywhere. Within the moment, it sounds like the ending to another suspenseful chapter in a story with a happy ending. Unfortunately, that's only for the moment, and I'm not sure why, but I find it funny that there's really no indication that it will be a happy story at all.
I'm still not sure what I really want to do. What's happening is that I just do things, and they don't seem as stupid and pointless as they did before.
I'm still not sure what I really want to do. What's happening is that I just do things, and they don't seem as stupid and pointless as they did before.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Another Day Closer to the Finale
Last night I had a dream that I was betrayed by two of the people who had betrayed me much earlier in life. I've "moved on" since then and have good relationships with both of them. However, in my dream, I tried to punch one of them and woke myself up. I was raging and couldn't help but notice how quickly and dramatically my perception had altered at the whim of my mind. You really can almost choose how you think about anything. I don't try to control my thoughts, but I can look at them and say, "Okay, you're there, but I don't have any use for you."
I remember the way my dad would walk around criticizing things, deeming nearly everything stupid and worthless. I doubt he has made much progress since then. I used to find myself doing it much of the time as well, but lately I've been frequently comparing thoughts and choosing the more rewarding ones. It can be tough sometimes because some thoughts can seem so convincing. Thoughts about self-esteem can be difficult to deal with because, I think, they were reinforced by reward and punishment during childhood (in some cases). As a result, I think many of us take our thoughts about how others perceive us very seriously. This is something else I've been able to let go of with greater ease.
It's almost funny how the better I'm doing personally, the worse external circumstances become. I was called in for an interview only to discover that not one, but two cars I could have driven had dead batteries; not last week, or the week before, or at any moment but the wrong moment. I don't know how I will survive next month, but I think I'm making the best of it.
I remember the way my dad would walk around criticizing things, deeming nearly everything stupid and worthless. I doubt he has made much progress since then. I used to find myself doing it much of the time as well, but lately I've been frequently comparing thoughts and choosing the more rewarding ones. It can be tough sometimes because some thoughts can seem so convincing. Thoughts about self-esteem can be difficult to deal with because, I think, they were reinforced by reward and punishment during childhood (in some cases). As a result, I think many of us take our thoughts about how others perceive us very seriously. This is something else I've been able to let go of with greater ease.
It's almost funny how the better I'm doing personally, the worse external circumstances become. I was called in for an interview only to discover that not one, but two cars I could have driven had dead batteries; not last week, or the week before, or at any moment but the wrong moment. I don't know how I will survive next month, but I think I'm making the best of it.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
What I Would Do If...
...my worries about what might happen didn't prevent me from any potential activity; that is the theme of my life recently. Physical activity has emerged as the most apparent activity that I value doing for the sake of doing. I usually have trouble sleeping, which took a lot away from my energy. Instead of sleeping for 2-3 hours and being wide awake for the next 7, I've managed to split my night into two halves to get twice as much sleep. I really enjoy running, punching, and weight lifting. The unfortunate part is that I can no longer afford a gym membership for next month. That won't stop me from working out (I've invented a killer abs workout using my bathtub) but I wish these good realizations weren't happening so late!
Writing, writing music, and singing haven't been things that I'm inclined to do yet. I like playing my electric piano, but not for any serious purpose. I've also doubled video gaming with learning from audio books, so I'm learning Spanish whenever I play. It may take some time for me to figure out what I really like doing. I definitely like watching "The Office" though.
I guess being 30 and vegan isn't a bad place to reinvent myself in.
Writing, writing music, and singing haven't been things that I'm inclined to do yet. I like playing my electric piano, but not for any serious purpose. I've also doubled video gaming with learning from audio books, so I'm learning Spanish whenever I play. It may take some time for me to figure out what I really like doing. I definitely like watching "The Office" though.
I guess being 30 and vegan isn't a bad place to reinvent myself in.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Unlike Anything Before
I'm pleased to be able to say that I'm climbing onto the next level. The process of recognizing thoughts as thoughts (versus reality) improves with each day of use. For the first time that I can recall, there isn't a specific compulsion that I must obey upon waking up. So much of my life was carved out of habitual thinking that in the absence of the blaring volume of my thoughts, I can hardly decide what I want to do. My motivation used to be achieving goals or nothing; there was no in-between. My recent education suggests that I do things that I value in addition to achieving goals. There is a destination, but the enjoyment of traveling is new to me. I'm not sure what I value doing that isn't in relation to a major goal. I can see now how my motivation to do anything would collapse as soon my long-term possibilities seemed to wane.
I have also determined that vigilante work is more well-suited to those already living in prosperity. I had an exciting encounter recently that gave me a very realistic perspective on the necessities of serving justice solo.
Although it is logically understandable, the experience of being liked for who I am, rather than for being incredible at doing something amazing career-wise, feels unusual. It used to be that I would find motivation in the idea of making myself more desirable through accomplishment. Now, I would say that accomplishment is little more than a device for stimulating the opportunity to meet people. Possessing well-researched knowledge about building and maintaining relationships is what I now consider to be my most valuable asset, next to being myself and being able to make people laugh. I hope to discover that I do have some activities that I strongly value.
I have also determined that vigilante work is more well-suited to those already living in prosperity. I had an exciting encounter recently that gave me a very realistic perspective on the necessities of serving justice solo.
Although it is logically understandable, the experience of being liked for who I am, rather than for being incredible at doing something amazing career-wise, feels unusual. It used to be that I would find motivation in the idea of making myself more desirable through accomplishment. Now, I would say that accomplishment is little more than a device for stimulating the opportunity to meet people. Possessing well-researched knowledge about building and maintaining relationships is what I now consider to be my most valuable asset, next to being myself and being able to make people laugh. I hope to discover that I do have some activities that I strongly value.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Fighting for Energy
Having nearly completed my move into a less expensive apartment, I'm enjoying the benefits of living in an older building with a much more solid structure. In the previous, newly constructed apartment, the floors creaked, and you could hear them creaking, through the walls, under the weight of the neighbors--that was ridiculous. My new apartment costs $200 less per month, and I was fortunate enough to get a spot where my room isn't next to any of the neighbors. Every external sound is easier to handle because there's a distance, whereas the newer apartment made you feel like the neighbors were in the room with you. So, if you're ever looking for a new apartment, try asking when the buildings were constructed, or which building has the thickest walls. I'm thinking I just might be able to sing in here.
This time in my life is marked by a need to ascend to a higher level; this level is defined by my ability to handle my mind's judgmental thoughts and by spending more time as a present observer rather than a hapless victim of self-defeating, imaginary scenarios that masquerade as reality. The next level is a matter of expansion, of developing the capacity for greater discomfort and less energy wasted struggling against those negative thoughts. They must be accepted and co-existed with so that energy can be given to actions that benefit me.
Out of all my possessions, it seems that my PC is the most valuable. This seven year old machine still runs on a 2.4g processor but performs wonderfully. Most of my interviews and invitations into hiring agencies have been the result of online interactions, and with the majority of job postings being online, I'm very thankful that I have my PC! It's also where I make a little extra money each month by writing articles. I watch TV on my PC. I take training to boost my administrative skills on my PC. I make music on my PC. Almost everything happens on my PC! It's scary to think that if you lose your PC, you lose much of your life.
Despite the great instability of my current life, I want to keep pursuing my passions. It's actually hard to say that I have any passions, or even that I care about myself, because I grew up to eventually stop caring. If I'd cared more, I probably wouldn't be unemployed... I wouldn't have lost over $2000 of guitar and music gear in a robbery years ago because I didn't care enough to take care of my stuff. I wouldn't have talent going to waste every day. So, at this point of being nebulous and transforming, it's really about securing the foundations of my self. I've come down to the most fundamental aspects of living life, and thankfully there is a reason to sustain me while I climb to the next level... a woman. Her existence justifies everything I have gone through, although I am still somewhat skeptical, but there is no denying the happiness I feel when I talk with her. It isn't that I think we'll end up together, but just to know that this sort of goodness exists in the world--it gives me comfort me against all of the world's evils. Whether my perception of her is accurate or not, I believe in it, and this vision in turn makes me believe in caring for myself... so that I can also add goodness to the world, and maybe feel like I really deserve to be next to her.
One thing people don't realize about living in a godless world is that it is even more exciting because there is no inherent goodness or universal justice; good is something that only we can create, at least to the extent of providing more harmony and less unnecessary suffering for all creatures. When you consider that you have the power to do this, and that it won't happen anywhere else in the known universe, it's like you're already famous. The fact that we are only here for such a short time in comparison to eternity makes it that much sweeter. The comforts that we have are, after all, the result of efforts made by other people; freedom is nothing unless the people directly surrounding you allow you that freedom. Laws don't ensure freedom, and the military doesn't give us our freedom either. The law can punish a violation of our rights, but it can't take back the violation itself or all of the associated effects. Justice and freedom, therefore, are in the hands of every individual.
This time in my life is marked by a need to ascend to a higher level; this level is defined by my ability to handle my mind's judgmental thoughts and by spending more time as a present observer rather than a hapless victim of self-defeating, imaginary scenarios that masquerade as reality. The next level is a matter of expansion, of developing the capacity for greater discomfort and less energy wasted struggling against those negative thoughts. They must be accepted and co-existed with so that energy can be given to actions that benefit me.
Out of all my possessions, it seems that my PC is the most valuable. This seven year old machine still runs on a 2.4g processor but performs wonderfully. Most of my interviews and invitations into hiring agencies have been the result of online interactions, and with the majority of job postings being online, I'm very thankful that I have my PC! It's also where I make a little extra money each month by writing articles. I watch TV on my PC. I take training to boost my administrative skills on my PC. I make music on my PC. Almost everything happens on my PC! It's scary to think that if you lose your PC, you lose much of your life.
Despite the great instability of my current life, I want to keep pursuing my passions. It's actually hard to say that I have any passions, or even that I care about myself, because I grew up to eventually stop caring. If I'd cared more, I probably wouldn't be unemployed... I wouldn't have lost over $2000 of guitar and music gear in a robbery years ago because I didn't care enough to take care of my stuff. I wouldn't have talent going to waste every day. So, at this point of being nebulous and transforming, it's really about securing the foundations of my self. I've come down to the most fundamental aspects of living life, and thankfully there is a reason to sustain me while I climb to the next level... a woman. Her existence justifies everything I have gone through, although I am still somewhat skeptical, but there is no denying the happiness I feel when I talk with her. It isn't that I think we'll end up together, but just to know that this sort of goodness exists in the world--it gives me comfort me against all of the world's evils. Whether my perception of her is accurate or not, I believe in it, and this vision in turn makes me believe in caring for myself... so that I can also add goodness to the world, and maybe feel like I really deserve to be next to her.
One thing people don't realize about living in a godless world is that it is even more exciting because there is no inherent goodness or universal justice; good is something that only we can create, at least to the extent of providing more harmony and less unnecessary suffering for all creatures. When you consider that you have the power to do this, and that it won't happen anywhere else in the known universe, it's like you're already famous. The fact that we are only here for such a short time in comparison to eternity makes it that much sweeter. The comforts that we have are, after all, the result of efforts made by other people; freedom is nothing unless the people directly surrounding you allow you that freedom. Laws don't ensure freedom, and the military doesn't give us our freedom either. The law can punish a violation of our rights, but it can't take back the violation itself or all of the associated effects. Justice and freedom, therefore, are in the hands of every individual.
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