A Prelude to a Finale

I briefly read the blogs of others, and none of them remind me of me. Other people have such a complete and wholesome sounding perspective on things--so much is exciting to them. I think I may be one of the only people who doesn't think skydiving is a big deal. I stopped by a huge waterfall during work... was it last week, or the week before? And it's like, here are all these people coming just to look at the waterfall. I remember being taken on trips as a child to see glaciers and other "wonders" that required me to endure a painfully long car ride. I feel indifferent to those kind of things. Yes, it's a glacier, and it really does exist. Yes, you can jump out of a plane and survive. But how are these things applicable to my life?

I often feel that I'm the only one who thinks this way. I care much less about getting to see beautiful things than I do about arriving at substantial realizations--discovering that which is useful to me personally. I can admit that I don't care if I ever see the leaning tower of Piza. I'd be more excited to meet another vegan locally (I have zero vegan friends). Maybe it's something about the way certain places force people to accept reality momentarily--what excitement for the unaccustomed! I talked to someone who used to feel bad for the suffering of farm animals, but then conveniently forgot and started eating meat again. How do people separate from the facts so easily?

I want to start another blog that has no particular aim except for me to write about whatever I feel like. There is little left to discover now. The general population is mentally disturbed to some degree, and the game one must play is to meet and sift through countless people until you find one that understands you completely and shares your level of idealism--and is also sane. It's like playing the lottery. Inspiration comes largely from past experiences, and I just never had a very inspiring childhood. There is nothing for certain now except for making money. Things are moving forward as always. I guess many things have become easier for me. Acceptance is at an all-time high. I'm just not very well-suited for this time and place on Earth.

Qualities

There are certain qualities that a person can possess that are beneficial to them in almost every imaginable way. I do not yet possess some of those qualities, so developing them has become another one of my current efforts. I can see my faults so accurately now; some, in particular, are so powerful that I find myself laughing as I deal with them.

Beginning tomorrow, my life will become more different than it has been for months...

The Nearly Abandoned Blog

Wow--it's been a long time. I am not the same person that was typing in here a month or two ago. I'm still surprised that I'm not homeless, but I have never lived as much as I'm living right now.

The foremost thing on my mind has been the woman I'm in love with; I can't hide or deny it. We became an official couple after an incredible four months of getting to know each other. Unfortunately, directly after we hooked up, her life took a major detour which has caused massive confusion on my part. She was perfect for me. I just want to be able to continue where we left off, but her return seems to be nowhere in sight.

On the positive side, I've been doing things that are valuable to me despite the depressing feelings and the way my thoughts about her wake me up in the middle of the night. I really can't stand computer games anymore. Games were what I indulged in when I believed that my goal in life was to be comfortable and happy. I really have learned that you get the most out of life by getting or doing the things you want to do, not by feeling good a majority of the time. For example, before, I would have fought against and rejected the feeling of having possibly lost what I had with my favorite girl ever. Now, instead of hiding from it, I just allow it to be there and I still run five miles every day and take care of business. I get an awesome body and a sharp looking, organized room/life out of it, whereas if I had caved in, I wouldn't have gained anything.

I know that many other people grew up with this knowledge, but I have never lived this way until now. It is both challenging and rewarding. I can see now how I survived my childhood by pretending that I was not in the situation I was in. I wasn't neglected and bullied by my parents; I was a hero being held captive by the enemy, resisting their attempts to break me. There was always a positive spin on things. The price for that was not having extensive experience actually processing all of the horrible thoughts and emotions. Doing this is how I reach the next level.

Another Funny Twist of Fate

I managed to avert disaster at the last minute, again. My life will now continue somewhat normally for another month. Also, the day after my car died, a company called me and asked to schedule a phone interview--I didn't have to drive anywhere. Within the moment, it sounds like the ending to another suspenseful chapter in a story with a happy ending. Unfortunately, that's only for the moment, and I'm not sure why, but I find it funny that there's really no indication that it will be a happy story at all.

I'm still not sure what I really want to do. What's happening is that I just do things, and they don't seem as stupid and pointless as they did before.

Another Day Closer to the Finale

Last night I had a dream that I was betrayed by two of the people who had betrayed me much earlier in life. I've "moved on" since then and have good relationships with both of them. However, in my dream, I tried to punch one of them and woke myself up. I was raging and couldn't help but notice how quickly and dramatically my perception had altered at the whim of my mind. You really can almost choose how you think about anything. I don't try to control my thoughts, but I can look at them and say, "Okay, you're there, but I don't have any use for you."

I remember the way my dad would walk around criticizing things, deeming nearly everything stupid and worthless. I doubt he has made much progress since then. I used to find myself doing it much of the time as well, but lately I've been frequently comparing thoughts and choosing the more rewarding ones. It can be tough sometimes because some thoughts can seem so convincing. Thoughts about self-esteem can be difficult to deal with because, I think, they were reinforced by reward and punishment during childhood (in some cases). As a result, I think many of us take our thoughts about how others perceive us very seriously. This is something else I've been able to let go of with greater ease.

It's almost funny how the better I'm doing personally, the worse external circumstances become. I was called in for an interview only to discover that not one, but two cars I could have driven had dead batteries; not last week, or the week before, or at any moment but the wrong moment. I don't know how I will survive next month, but I think I'm making the best of it.

What I Would Do If...

...my worries about what might happen didn't prevent me from any potential activity; that is the theme of my life recently. Physical activity has emerged as the most apparent activity that I value doing for the sake of doing. I usually have trouble sleeping, which took a lot away from my energy. Instead of sleeping for 2-3 hours and being wide awake for the next 7, I've managed to split my night into two halves to get twice as much sleep. I really enjoy running, punching, and weight lifting. The unfortunate part is that I can no longer afford a gym membership for next month. That won't stop me from working out (I've invented a killer abs workout using my bathtub) but I wish these good realizations weren't happening so late!

Writing, writing music, and singing haven't been things that I'm inclined to do yet. I like playing my electric piano, but not for any serious purpose. I've also doubled video gaming with learning from audio books, so I'm learning Spanish whenever I play. It may take some time for me to figure out what I really like doing. I definitely like watching "The Office" though.

I guess being 30 and vegan isn't a bad place to reinvent myself in.

Unlike Anything Before

I'm pleased to be able to say that I'm climbing onto the next level. The process of recognizing thoughts as thoughts (versus reality) improves with each day of use. For the first time that I can recall, there isn't a specific compulsion that I must obey upon waking up. So much of my life was carved out of habitual thinking that in the absence of the blaring volume of my thoughts, I can hardly decide what I want to do. My motivation used to be achieving goals or nothing; there was no in-between. My recent education suggests that I do things that I value in addition to achieving goals. There is a destination, but the enjoyment of traveling is new to me. I'm not sure what I value doing that isn't in relation to a major goal. I can see now how my motivation to do anything would collapse as soon my long-term possibilities seemed to wane.

I have also determined that vigilante work is more well-suited to those already living in prosperity. I had an exciting encounter recently that gave me a very realistic perspective on the necessities of serving justice solo.

Although it is logically understandable, the experience of being liked for who I am, rather than for being incredible at doing something amazing career-wise, feels unusual. It used to be that I would find motivation in the idea of making myself more desirable through accomplishment. Now, I would say that accomplishment is little more than a device for stimulating the opportunity to meet people. Possessing well-researched knowledge about building and maintaining relationships is what I now consider to be my most valuable asset, next to being myself and being able to make people laugh. I hope to discover that I do have some activities that I strongly value.